Tuesday, February 14, 2012

GUEST BLOGGER POST: Finding Your Inner Bitch on Valentine’s Day by Elle Lothlorien

Let’s talk about Cadbury eggs. No, seriously.

A good friend of mine loves Cadbury Eggs. You know—those fondant crème chocolate eggs that are ubiquitous as Peeps just before Easter. Sure, I’ve seen them at other times of the year, but they’re usually relegated to a remote corner of a Walgreens, lurking on an untouched section of shelf, and covered with enough dust to give you Black Lung Disease.

So I was surprised when I walked into a grocery store right before Christmas and saw a fresh-looking display front-and-center, overflowing with dust-free Cadbury eggs. I immediately called my friend, sure she’d be excited by the news. “You’re not going to believe this,” I said in a taunting, sing-song voice. “I am staring at an entire display of fresh Cadbury Eggs right now!”

I figured that after she did a backflip and saluted the judges, she’d demand that I buy every one of them on the spot. Instead, she sniffed, “I never eat anything the Easter Bunny’s laid before the Christ Child is born.”


Let’s talk about Forrest Gump. No, seriously.

At a writer’s conference a couple of years ago, a group of us were enjoying a round of drinks in the hotel bar, when the topic of Forrest Gump came up. All agreed that it was a fine, funny movie and, well into our second, third, and even fourth cocktails, each of us threw out their favorite Forrest Gump platitude. There were the usual suspects: “Peas and carrots,” and “I was ruuunning!” and “Life is like a box of chocolates.”

My friend, who I will refer to as “Forrest” solely for purposes of anonymity, paused briefly before saying, “I never understood that one. ‘Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re going to get?’ What do you mean you don’t know what you’re going to get? You’re going to get f**king chocolate!”

Oh dear.

Each of these anecdotes has two things in common. 1) Chocolate. 2) They both eventually found their way to a file in my computer called “Funny/Stupid Shit My Friends Say When Sober/Drunk That I Will Later Use in a Novel/Guest Blog Post at Some Point with Only a Minimal Effort to Hide Their Identity.”

No one is spared. To be fair to me (and I love to be fair to me), I give these people fair warning. When I meet someone for the first time and discover that they’re very funny, I tell them, “Just to let you know, anything you say can and will be used in my next book.” You can ask anyone.

It’s at this point in my guest blog posts that I usually provide a tie-in of sorts between the humorous anecdote and the business of publishing or the pleasure of reading. Now, you might think these two stories share no immediately discernible commonalities. Ah, but you’d be wrong.

As you can see, they both have to do with chocolate. Hey, it’s Valentine’s Day, it’s almost obligatory.

And…that’s pretty much it.

No, wait! There is one other thing. Let’s talk about Your Feminine Side. No, seriously.

Your Feminine Side is the part of you that you’re supposed to be “getting in touch with,” as if it’s an old college roommate you stopped calling fifteen years ago after they became richer and more successful than you.

Instead of “Getting in Touch with Your Feminine Side,” I recommend that you “Find Your Inner Bitch.”

Because your Feminine Side wonders if their significant other will buy you chocolate on Valentine’s Day. Your Inner Bitch just drives to the store and buys those dusty Cadbury Eggs for herself.

Your Feminine Side sits at home on Valentine’s Day and wonders if it’s okay to be single after all this time. Your Inner Bitch goes to a hot-tub party with other single girlfriends, and agrees with the group that if you were married/in a relationship, you’d probably be spending V-Day picking dirty boxer briefs off the floor, and telling him for the umpteenth time that him farting constantly in front of you drastically reduces the odds that he will ever bed you again (the limp bouquet of flowers he picked up on the way home notwithstanding).

So, whatever your status today, married or single, find Your Inner Bitch and just make it happen. Save Your Feminine Side for when you’re PMS-ing and reading your free copy of The Frog Prince or Sleeping Beauty, my two romantic comedies that I’m giving away FOR FREE, in the Kindle Store today in honor of Valentine’s Day.

And don’t forget to have Your Inner Bitch pick up the chocolate on the way home.

A “military brat,” Elle Lothlorien was born in Germany, and spent her childhood in such far-flung places as Puerto Rico, Charleston, S.C., Italy, and Washington, D.C. Sadly, the only language she ever became semi-fluent in is English. An early mid-life crisis propelled Elle Lothlorien to take a Lindy Hop swing dance class at a Denver bar. Three years (and a few ankle and knee braces) later she does a mad Charleston and can pancake like nobody’s business.

Elle lives in Denver, Colorado, and keeps two dachshunds around the house to provide comic relief.
You can find Elle Lothlorien’s romantic comedies The Frog Prince and Sleeping Beauty on Amazon. Her third romantic comedy, Rapunzel, will be released in the spring. You can read more about her and her upcoming novels at www.ellelothlorien.com, Facebook, and by following her on Twitter.


  1. Susan,

    Happy Valentines Day(a little late,typical male). Just wanted to say b I'm glad you're back.I was starting to worry something was wrong.


  2. Hey Craig,

    Thanks for the smile! Yeah, there's been a whole lot going on IRL, but I promise to try to be better! The really sad think is that I have posts written, laid out, and ready to go with the click of a key. I'll do better.

    Meanwhile, I hope you had a good Valentine's Day, Craig, presumably more romantic than my own. ;-)

    Oh, and for anyone who's kicking themselves for missing Elle's freebies yesterday, the books are still on sale for $2.99, which is about half of what they usually cost, just FYI.